On Female Friendships: Stories Across Time and Place

By Isabel Melendez

I’m only 20 years old, and for five years of my life, I spent most days with the person I called my best friend. This friendship now exists solely in the past, living only in my memory and no longer in any reality.

After it ended, I spent countless days replaying the pain, sometimes still wondering what it all looked like through her eyes.

Female friendships are as complicated as romantic relationships—they require pain, joy, expectations, and feelings of satisfaction or disappointment. While friendships may be brief, our memories of them can last a lifetime, and they can mark specific periods in our lives, shaping who we are during those moments.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on this friendship I’ve told you about, while recalling stories from other women about their own friendships breakups. No matter their age or cultural background, this seems to be a universal experience among women, and I’m sure you’ve been conjuring memories of your own as you read this.

In my search for answers, I turned to my grandmother who explained that our friendships are more complex because we keep our doors wide open and allow our boundaries to weaken. Women naturally care more for one another, she said. I still find troubling flaws in this reasoning, as it reflects deterministic and even misogynistic thinking that tries to define a “natural” way for women to behave.

Since I can’t give you a definite answer as to why this is a universal experience, I’ve asked women of all ages around the world to share their stories. As you read these accounts and reflect on your own, I hope you find truths that resonate and help you make sense of it all.

For me, if there’s anything I’ve taken from these women, it’s to never take friendships for granted. If you feel good with someone in the moment, savor it and hold on to that feeling. Perhaps if we truly savor the good moments as they happen, they might last longer — maybe, they'll never really end.

Irene, Italy, Late 20s:

“I’ve been with my boyfriend through most of my teen years, and more than a few of my best friends—who I shared everything with—ended up having feelings for him.”

“I think friendship is crucial at all stages of life, but friendships between women feel different to me because it’s easy for small things to lead to quarrels. I’d definitely say men’s friendships are different; they tend to ignore certain things we women don’t. For us, jealousy or envy can be a decisive factor, especially if you're close to someone who isn’t supportive. I can say this because I’ve lived through it, and it has made it more important for me to appreciate friendships when they feel genuine. As a woman, I feel more vulnerable to people who hide behind a mask. Sometimes they’re hiding an entirely different person, but sooner or later, everything comes to light, and you just know the friendship is ruined.”

Fiona, China, Late Teens:

“We went through the pandemic together in New York City, even got Covid-19 at the same time—helping each other through it all—but then she started competing with me.

“We met freshman year and clicked right away. We moved in together, but eventually, I started noticing she was treating me as some kind of ‘goal’ to catch up to. She’d buy the same clothes, make similar choices, and it got seriously uncomfortable. We had a big talk, and I confronted her, but she denied everything. We’re still technically friends, but I keep my distance; I’m pretty sure she knows I’m doing it on purpose. It’s complicated because we have mutual friends, and they all know the backstory. She meant a lot to me, especially since we survived a pandemic together, but we changed a lot and grew apart”

Aarna, India, Early 20s:

“With female friendships, shifting from surface-level to something more personal is tougher—there's just more at stake. But with this friend, we bonded over One Direction in freshman year and became close really fast.”

“ We moved in together, but that’s when the communication issues kicked in. Suddenly, she was complaining to our shared friend group about what I said, and I noticed everyone started ignoring me. I’d vent about being broke—like, I only had fifty bucks in my bank account—but one day she snapped, saying I was being insensitive and making her feel bad about her own money problems. She began to ignore me, and soon others confronted me, leading to one of many big arguments.”

Talia, Russia, Middle 30s

“After years of friendship, suddenly, the only thing we had left to talk about was the weather.”

“It got complicated, but I didn’t let it take over my life. Despite all the time we had spent together, we started having trouble communicating. We used to share everything and have really honest conversations. Then suddenly, she put up this wall. Whenever I’d ask her how she was, she’d just say her life was ‘perfect.’ Sure, I was happy for her, but she never shared any struggles, nothing real—it was like she wouldn’t let me see her human side. Eventually, I just lost interest; it felt like talking to a robot. We both got married, had kids, and moved on. I still have a few friendships like that, all surface-level small talk, but it doesn’t bother me like it used to.”

Amy, Puerto Rico, Late 70s

“One day, she dropped this bomb: 'If I die one day, I want you to be the one who marries my husband.”

"We worked in the same department for years and became really close friends. We’d go out dancing and have fun together, but there was always some respect between us. Then I got divorced while she stayed with her husband. As we got older, we both retired around the same time, and she decided to get some plastic surgery. It felt like her looks started to matter way more to her while I was just living my life as a single retired woman.”

“That comment made me really uncomfortable, and at first, I didn’t get why she said it. It felt like she was testing me or trying to get a reaction out of me. Not long after, she called me to complain that her husband had said he wanted to go to another town to marry a blonde. I took it as a joke and laughed, saying, 'That’s what all the old men want!' But she didn’t find it funny at all. After that, things got really awkward, and our friendship just sort of faded away."

Tina, China, Late 50s

“In my first year of high school, I became friends with a super talented and confident girl. We were the 'it girls' of our class, sharing our dreams and always supporting each other. But then, she started spending more time with a new group of girls, and I felt left out. The way her new friends looked at me and made little comments left me feeling confused and self-conscious. It was like our friendship faded overnight."

:In college, I became close with another girl who had a big personality and often found herself in dramatic romantic situations. I wanted to help her, thinking I could fix her problems, but I realized that everyone has their own journey. It taught me that real friendship is about trust and respect, even when things get complicated."

Eva, Mexico, Late 40s

“I’ve always had very few friends. About ten years ago, I started working in cleaning alongside another lady who was also a mom. Our kids went to the same school, and we lived in the same neighborhood, so we had some common ground. I would often take care of the baby in the house we cleaned, but one day I decided to clean it by myself and told her not to come over. Her reaction wasn’t great, and we began drifting apart until we eventually stopped talking altogether. I’ve come to accept it was my mistake. We spent two

years without exchanging a single word, but recently, we've slowly started talking again.”

Bella, United States, Late Teens

“When the pandemic arrived, the world changed on a global scale, but for me it also changed in deeply personal ways. “

“I spent most of my teen years being her friend and we understood each other on a very deep level. We spent so many hours and so many days together. Our friendships started to fall apart little by little. No longer seeing each other everyday, it felt impossible to communicate and slowly we started to let go of each other, until one night we agreed that we could no longer be friends. She found other people and something shifted in the way I saw our friendship. One night, through text message, we agreed we could no longer be friends.”

“Since that day, we haven’t exchanged a single word, even though we still shared classes and had friends in common. It’s definitely a bittersweet memory that defined who I was during that period of my life. Our friendship ended three years ago, but it still deeply affects the way I relate to people and socialize. Everyday is different; somedays I wish I could go back and fight for our friendship, and other days I wish I had never met her.”